I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
