Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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