I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
