So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
