I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
