I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
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