if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
