Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize