I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Terrible idea I love it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
