I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I forgot how hot balto sounded
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
