I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
