I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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