My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
