put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All the doctor said was why
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
