If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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