I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
