i already hear my dad disowning me
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
