i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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