3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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