He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it glows. i had to have it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
