Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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