dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
