Don't make out with my wife yet
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
