happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize