Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
