I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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