I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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