I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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