i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
