Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think your dad took our porno
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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