I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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