You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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