I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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