I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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