i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Houston, we have a blender
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
