omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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