the condom got lost in my hair
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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