just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
