seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize