i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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