My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
