Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
