the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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