if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize