your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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