And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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