I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize