Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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