By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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