She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it's like iHOP with fire
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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