I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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