It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
