The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
