i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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