I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
