you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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