what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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