I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
