Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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