There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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