Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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